T-minus 85 minutes!

Weigh in & measurements day.

T-minus 85 minutes until my meeting with my Trainer. I'm hungry! I don't eat before weigh-in's. Tell me someone who does?!

I'm not hopeful. At all. But that's ok. I'm not giving up here. Not quite!

I've had some rough days, amazing days and some average boring dieting days. I'm chaning my diet plan today. I'm certainly keeping it interesting. This Goldilocks will find her bowl of porridge yet!

I've been turned on to a new workout at our park district by some of my friends. A break from the "dungeon" of the gym is great every once in awhile. It's called "Fitness on Demand". A room where you can walk into anytime of the day and pick out a workout routine of your choice, it's all digital. A huge movie screen is on the wall and they have every piece of equipment you need to do any one of the video's. I'm pretty excited too because this means both my girls can do it with me. They begged me to go yesterday. I promised them today we would go.

I haven't bought my first charm yet. I had 2 coming, but didn't get them for fear I would have to return one. I think after today I will find my prediction correct. Oh well. Every day is a new day.

I think I'm going to add a food supplement for some portion of my day. A chance to not think about it and grab what's already determined for me. Lunch or dinner...each day will have it's own outcome!

I must say I am so overwhelmed with the messages of support and encouragement I received on a daily basis. It truly means the world and ALSO, keeps my butt accountable. People are watching and waiting...

The best advice I give myself right now is that this isn't a race. I can't be in a hurry. When I do I become slave to the calendar and scale. Yes, I want to be slimmer when I climb into my first bathing suit of the year when I head to Florida on my girls trip in April. I haven't given up on that, why should I? There's being slimmer, and then there's being skinny. Let's be realistic here. Slimmer is a frame of mind and about how I'll feel in my clothes. That's a soft landing and a realistic goal.

I will either dread or squeel with excitement posting my weight and measurements when I get home.

T-minus 70 minutes!

Mega temptation!!!

Survived a MAJOR temptation yesterday. I'm a double stuff oreo freak-a-zoid! Walking back to grab milk at SV, I pass a display of new Oreo's. Mega-stuff. Are you kidding me??? I had my hand on them ready to pick up without giving it a second thought, but then didn't. I stood there for a second, hand still gripping the Mega-stuff Oreo crack cookies and talked myself down. As I let go I murmured no, no, no, no....all the way to the milk section. I then took the long way to the check out going to the complete opposite end of the store. I think I actually broke a sweat while pondering my dilemma. I couldn't drive away fast enough. I have yet to stop thinking about them. Remembering that once upon a time I would have eaten an entire row out of the package when I got home. Makes me cringe.

Put on a pair of pants today I haven't worn in 2 years. Feels pretty good. Got a tad smidge of a muffin top, but nothing I'm ashamed of sporting in public today!

Down 12 pounds and holding. Time to get my second wind.

I will not give up!

Someone help me up

Crap. Today was not a good day.

I ate cookies and frosting. Not in an emotional spiral bing...just did. Made them for my little ones teacher for valentines. I haven't felt in diet mode today.

Suffered a minor injury today requiring some liquid stitches and a tetanus shot. Threw me off.

I really didn't expect to fall off the wagon this soon. It's only one day, right? It's not 4 days or a full week, just one day. Too much sugar. Way too much sugar. I hope I didn't gain any weight back today.

I need to forgive myself here.

Damit!

Family affair!

I officially started my 7 day workout routine on Saturday. Here it is, in summary (want the details I'm more than happy to give you my Trainer's number!!)

Monday - CARDIO CARDIO CARDIO
Tuesday - lower body
Wednesday - rest
Thursday - upper body
Friday - CARDIO CARDIO CARDIO
Saturday - Abs, abs and more abs.
Sunday- rest.

In the meantime I'm sticking to my 1500 daily calorie diet. I'm not eating all those calories. Quite frankly I'm not hungry! I did eat c.r.a.p.p.y. this weekend. Give my body a wake up call.

Saturday I did abs, Sunday I chilled, Monday I did cardio attack and then there was tonight.....

The gym closes at 9:00pm. It's now 8:00pm. Life took me right up until the last minute. I know how long my workout is and I have to take into consideration my drive time. We don't live in town.

As I toss back and forth what to do, my 12 year old is following me around the house. I bought my girls a membership Monday night, when they came with me. They've enjoyed playing basketball. So now they have itches to scratch!

I get my clothes on and keep looking at the clock. Now it's 8:05.

"Honey, it's just too late!"
"Mom, even if you only do a few minutes of cardio...it's fine!"

Time passes

"Ugh, I can't find my other sock! I've just run out of time kid"
"Here Mom, here's one"

Crap

She's gonna make me go.

We get to the gym and I don't have time to show her how to use the workout equipment, nor should I. Need to leave that up to the experts. I'm grunting and groaning the whole way in...

"We don't have enough time...we're too late..."
"It's fine Mom!"

As I sign in I realize I forgot my workout routine in the car, my daughter jumps up right away...

"I'll GO GET IT!!!"

Off she goes.

I ask the young man behind the counter if he could show my daughter how to use the treadmill and he does.

That little shit...she weighs but maybe 85lbs. When I'm all done with my workout and call her over to leave, her little face is purple and red...but she's grinning from ear to ear. She ran on that treadmill for 50 minutes while I did my workout. 50 minutes!

"You just ran on that treadmill for an hour while I worked out!"

She closes her eyes and smiles at me

"Thank you babe, for making Mommy come" (big hug)

As we walk up the stairs leaving the gym, in silence and in pain with our legs shaking, we hear over the loud speaker "Attention, Nash will be closing in 5 minutes".

3 steps of silence

"Even if ya only did 5 minutes of cardio Mom...it would have been somethin'!"

As I glow in the beauty of my daughter and her love for me...it's quickly squashed (insert here the needle scratching across the record) when we hit the top of the stairs, open the door and there sits her crush! I think she suddenly forgot how to speak, let alone how to put one foot in front of the other!

No wonder she pushed me to the gym!

Say cheese!

I'm smiling wide this morning. In just 2 short weeks I have on a belt I haven't been able to wear in about a year.

Just when I look in the mirror in only my under garments & get MAJOR discouraged...I say the hell with it and grab the belt.

Voila!

I'm at the first notch only, but without pain & the Guiness Book of muffin tops. Can't wait to get weighed Monday. Anticipating I'll be buying 2 charms for my first little celebration. If not, one is ok. Not gonna complain!

I head to my trainer today, Kim Henry (look her up, she rocks!) to get my workout routine. It will be nice to have a plan when I walk in the gym. It's real easy to get bored and burnt out when you just stand there not reallying knowing what to do. I go balls out on the elliptical and then go "now what". Give me some structure. Forever a toddler!

I really look forward to hitting my goals with her. Lot's of little hooray's and high fives for months to come. It's the mother ship that will really rock my world. She has watched me struggle for 3 years and been my best cheerleader. Never giving up on me. I imagine what that moment on the scale will be like. It's a beautiful sight.

For now I continue on the My Fitness Pal app counting calories. Watching my carb intake. So far so good. Searching out 100 calorie snacks. Those are GREAT!

Yesterday I received a little package on my front step. A member of my "malitia", family from Omaha, sent me a care package of workout clothes. LOVE YOU MJ! I can't wait to flaunt my normal exercise pants at the gym! I'll feel somewhat normal in there.

One day at a time!

To treat or not to treat...that is the question

Valentines day cometh! I love nothing more than getting the box of chocolates from my Husband.

Do I say it's ok? Do I give myself that day of  bliss? Will I be able to stay seated firmly on the wagon if I do?

At what point are you punishing yourself for dieting?

OH Philip!

I've taken this journey so many times. Each time I ask myself "how can I get from point A to B the fastest?"

No matter how fast I ran...I never did find my way home.

This time, I'm taking the scenic route. Posting before pics of myself & lovely workout photo's...that's me taking the convertible this time. I got the top down. Wind in my hair & the music is cranked!

No google map for me, I'm planning the route, taking turns as the wind blows and following the sun as it rises and sets. I don't recognize the scenery, but I sure am enjoying the view. Hey, I may even stop to see the worlds largest ball of twine!

I want all of you to know you have a home here. Some of us are riding a bike, walking or hitch hiking...but we're all taking a journey. In one way or another, we'll get there.

As I'm listening to Philip Phillips today for the 1 gazillionith time, I had one of those moments when you forget where you are and I found myself mouth open just looking at the car stereo. OH. MY. GOD.

Hold on, to me as we go.
As we roll down this unfamiliar road.
And although this wave is stringing us along.
Just know you’re not alone,
Cause I’m going to make this place your home.

Settle down, it'll all be clear.
Don't pay no mind to the demons,
They fill you with fear.
The trouble it might drag you down.
If you get lost, you can always be found.

Just know you’re not alone,
Cause I’m going to make this place your home.

Now insert the scene from Jerry McGuire in the car "freeeee fallen". Yep, I hit replay and cranked it.

Those demons are a bitch, I'm gonna trip and fall...but I'm not alone and I WILL make it home!

Getting a pic from a dear friend who took it of herself while on HER treadmill with a thumbs up made me about 10 feet tall today. "I'm with ya" she said.

Made me feel kinda like Forest Gump. So, who else wants to run with me?

My little helper

Thank you to my friend Shauna for introducing me to my fitness pal. I really like it. This is going to be my best friend!

Trainer day & a charm is a comin'!

Saw my trainer today. Got measured and weighed. LOST 3 POUNDS SINCE TUESDAY!!!!! 2 more pounds and I get my first charm!

As of today:

284 lbs.
Shoulders: 56.25
Chest: 56.25 (HOLY CRAP!)
Bicep: 16.50
Waist: 51.25
Hips: 54.25
Thigh: 31
Calf: 18.25

Here's my official before pictures. Oh God...

It's not fair!

I'm in Rockford and shopping for workout clothes. I desperately need some. From one store to the next...no plus size available. My last stop is Target and now I've had it. I'm with my daughter and I blurt out "APPARENTLY ONLY SKINNY PEOPLE EXERCISE!" while standing in the middle of the clothes. She looked at me with such sadness and just didn't know what to say.

I told her that this is what the plus size nation has to deal with. A closed society. It's almost as if they're handing out a punishment. Fat? Then wear a poncho until you're skinny enough to deserve to look good in the gym.

I've ordered some online from Old Navy. I pray they fit. Their sizing sucks. But I shouldn't have to do that. So again today it's dig into the garbage I have to choose from. My self image is bad enough...it would help if I had clothes to brighten my spirits. I feel like a cactus in the middle of a wild flower field as it is.

Such is life. My life.

Thank you!

I am overwhelmed with all the messages I’m receiving. Loads of advice and offers to help, diets to try or simply to be a shoulder to lean on, cry on.  An offer to be my partner/mentor from weight loss experienced friends, acquaintances and strangers alike or simply to say YOU CAN DO IT!

I’m doing my best to respond to you all, please don’t think less of me if it’s takes a little bit. I want you all to know you’re touching my heart in more ways than I can count! It’s all so overwhelming, I can honestly say I didn’t expect the response my blog and journey is receiving. I share my life with so many just like me. It's a silent suffering and to overcome the grip of obesity...it takes a village! At least for me it will. Place myself in the middle of town square. For years I've hid in the dark trying to do this all myself. Pretend it really isn't real. Scared of being stoned for revealing.

I'm not scared anymore. Thank you so much to my friends who are taking my hand and for the new friends I'm making along the way.

 My cup runneth over.

THANK YOU!

Ain't nothin pretty about it

As I'm going balls out on the elliptical, I imagine myself running in the treadmill in front of me. All thin and sexy. Tight little yoga pants, long blonde hair in a pony, iPod strapped to my arm rockin' 80's hair metal and my cute new little Nike's on. I get a huge smile on my face as I imagine posting my working out before pic, hid in the basement of Nash and my running through the park IN PUBLIC after pic.

So...I snap a pic of myself as I'm thumping away on the elliptical. Oh Lord it's awful. But...I've promised real truth here, all of me. So as you can see, ain't nothin' pretty about it. Horrible angle I will admit. Have on my long sleeve Bears t-shirt, cut off sweats and really need to shave my legs. When I was done I was shaking so flippin' bad. Couldn't hold my water bottle to take a drink. The same hot 20 something year old that was jogging in front of me, who's pants kept falling down, was staring at this cute little 20 something in HER tight little yoga pants. I stepped in front of her and he craned around to still see her and at first it hurt my feelings. But then I thought of it.

When I'm the skinny bitch in her tight yoga pants you're gonna stare at MY ass, and guess what...when I step off the treadmill I'll hand you this picture of me. Remember that fat 40 year old that was nothing more than in your way...well so do I. She wanted me to give you a message...