Dear diary...

It’s over the last 2 weeks I’ve really pondered my life. Not light bulb moments or walks in the daisies, but  a look at a photo album, if you will. Put on the brakes and asked myself why am I doing this? Seriously, why? I’ve been messing around with this for over 15 years. Why haven’t I figured this out yet?

For crying out loud, when will I get off this merry-go-round. I’m dizzy.

During some heavy cleaning Saturday I came across 2 of my journals I’ve done over the years.

All I can say is WOW.

I was in pain, such pain. I’ve never been happy with my body. I’ve never accepted myself. The words I spoke were those of a miserable person. I can’t get over how my hand writing fluctuated. The worse the pain, the more I seemed to scribble.

Wednesday July 27, 2005

“Day 2 is done, it’s 10:20pm. Wow, this diet stuff SUCKS!!! I suffered an enormous headache today, migraine. I got through it though. A hot bath and 800 mg ibuprofen did wonders. I didn’t give into the demon. I praise God for my strength today and every day. When I take time to image being thin, it scares me to death. I don’t know if I can do it. People will look at me, I’ll get attention. YUCK! I don’t want it. I’m afraid…..

…I don’t know how to be thin. Overweight is easier. But I HATE being fat. I can’t sit right, walk right, walk too far or very much, climb stairs, play with my kids or plop on my husband’s lap…I wish I knew why I am fat. What am I hiding from? I see how much my Dad loves me when he looks at me, but I also see his disappointment…I know everyone around me is tired of me being fat, especially tired of me talking about it….It’s so stupid what I have put my mind and body through…Poor Bob, he didn’t sign up for this…”

As you can probably imagine, this … is me leaving out the really personal stuff. Some of it’s too much to make public.

January 18, 2006

I weigh 204.4 pounds. I have lost 40 pounds over a 6 month period. WOW, that’s awesome. I’ve never done that well, EVER! (on a side note, I’d give anything to weigh 204 pounds today!)

August 29, 2006

I am so fat AGAIN! What happened? I am better than this…

July 12, 2007

Dear Lord, I want my song back.

Oh brother, where do I go from here. I haven’t journaled in a long time. I’m thinking it’s time to blow the dust off the notebook and get going again.

But gosh darn it, my words need to change because I’m figuring this crap out, once and for all.

Dear God, I want my song back!

Measurement day...YAY!!!!!!!!

As of today I've lost a total of 9.75 inches!

                                                           1/29/13    3/13/13

Shoulders     56.75        53.75
Chest            56.25         53.75
Bicep            16.50         16.75
Waist            51.25         48.50
Hips               54.25        53.25
Quad              31             30.25
Calf               18.25         18.25

For years I have fought the inches vs. scale comparison. Not anymore. Take one look at the picture and tell me how much you can count on the scale! I want the scale to reflect MUSCLE pounds and not FAT pounds.

Star of hope

I finally bought my goal charm bracelet. It's the "Celebrate Life" bracelet from Hallmark. I thought that to be rather appropriate, don't ya think?

I bought my first 2 charms. First one for my first 5 pounds is the star of hope. I did it, the ball is rolling. There is hope. 2nd charm is purple bling. Well of course purple is my favorite color, that's a no brainer. But it also starts with the letter P. My dear friend Peggy gave me the idea for the charm bracelet. I also thought that to be appropriate.

If anyone has any ideas for future charms, I welcome the input. I'm holding myself accountable here by keeping this blog. It's all of you who have been inspired by this to start your own journey that takes my breath away. I love you all! Thank you to all my readers, you rock!

Did I mention I already have to buy another charm? Ya, I do!

mmmmm, chocolate! mmmmm, cake!

I woke up yesterday with the mind set that "I CAN'T TAKE THE DAY OFF!" from excercise. All along I'm supposed to take Wednesday and Sunday's off. So far, I did that once. I can't, not yet. I can't let one day go to waste. I just can't. After pacing the house for about 30 minutes yesterday afternoon, trying everything to get my mind off of it, I threw on my yoga pants and out the door I went. I sweat up a storm. It was FANTASTIC!

Until I got home

About 30 minutes after being home, I went downstairs to see how my Husband's project was going. When I started back UP the stairs, it was about the 3rd step that I went UGH. I then had to take them slowly, one at a time. My legs were killing me. Slowly my back followed suit, only to be budged by my hips!

I over did it

Now I know why they say to take days "off". Learned a few new things yesterday. I didn't realize that when you exercise, you get tears in your muscle's. You need the days rest so your muscle can rebuild itself and in the words of my friend "that's when the magic happens!".

With that I put on my pj pants and hit the couch. It felt good to veg out. I've been eating so good for days and days. Scale is moving and I can't wait to get measured tomorrow.

That being said...

I felt bad because I haven't done any baking in two months. Don't want the temptation in the house. I made my Husband a chocolate cake. Yep, a chocolate cake. Guess what ,I LICKED THE BATTER! You betcha. My body and soul deserved a break. I didn't consider it a reward, I considered it a priviledge.

On that note, when it was done baking I waited about 30 minutes and put the frosting on while it was still warm. Gotta have it all warm and gooey! As I stood there looking over my Sunday delight, my gift to my Husband...I said "Aw the hell with it!" and cut myself a piece. Poured an ice cold glass of milk as a chaser and curled up on the couch to enjoy. 2 weeks ago I would have been riddled with guilt, not today folks! I enjoyed every last bite right down to licking the frosting off the corners of my mouth when I was done!

Folks take it from me, you have got to treat yourself once in awhile. By not doing so you're actually punishing yourself. You can do that just so many times and you eventually cave in and not in a good way. Binging is a risk. Besides, it wakes your body up. It gets so used to burning the same substance that throwing in some sugar & an avalanche of carbs (which is what my one piece of cake was) has your body suddenly stand at attention. Your metabolism goes "What the what?!" as my 10 year old says. It says "EVERY BODY UP, THIS IS A RED ALERT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE!".

Magic. A piece of chocolate cake and a day of rest today. Abbra Cadabra!

Adult diaper bag!

I realized this morning that I have an adult diaper bag!

Instead of diaper rash cream it's Bengay
Sweat towel instead of burp cloth
Sports bra instead of a diaper.
Yoga pants instead of a onsie
iPod instead of a pacifier
Water bottle instead of baby bottle.

That about covers it!

All I need is a stroller to carry my worn out ass in after the work out :)

My mountain

My daily devotion the other day said “you are not meant for crawling, so don’t. You were born with wings”

That sums up my first 4 weeks here. I crawled.

I found the best statement from a weight loss success story today “Renewing your mind is a key concept weight loss. One reason people fail in losing weight is attempting to pile new behaviors on top of an old mindset. Sooner or later, your old mindset convinces you to quit and you wind up in the same shape as before or even worse.”

What I woke up to this morning was the realization that I’m relying on everyone and everything around me to make this happen for me. So much focus on food. I swear that’s all I think about.  The only place I should be focusing on is inside me. It’s like I’m trying to push the same stupid boulder the same 3 inches and getting nowhere but tired and sore. Is it Mylie Cyrus that sings about that mountain, how I want to make it move. It’s the climb up that mountain that God has in store for me; he has no intention of it ever moving. Only then will I build the strength to overcome all my struggles. He will provide me the strength to keep climbing when I’m ready to quit or too weak to continue and at risk of falling.

Along these first 4 weeks, there have been numerous snares and snags. The devils little trip wires. It would be something as simple as a post on Facebook to pull the rug out from under me. EVERYONE has an opinion about what I’m doing, how I’m doing it. The ones I’m referring to are the ones telling me I’m doing it wrong. Or better yet about how they hate dieting, why even bother because you just gain it all back, it’s stupid and a waste of time. You’ll never actually do it, you know that right? How many times have you done this? Then there it is, the smirk. Nothing beats the time I was approached out of the blue by someone who came up to me and said “There is a diet you have got to try, ya know when you’re ready to do something”. This wasn’t recently, this was last summer at a time when I wasn’t even thinking about my weight or on a diet. Gee, am I fat? Thanks for letting me know. I’m pretty sure my chin hit the ground.

The devils snares are going to be everywhere

Oh, I could grab this diet or that diet and lose 50 lbs. without thinking twice about it. But…I don’t want to do that. If I do that and have done NOTHING to change my mindset, what will I have gained? I’m trying to change my life, not just my waist line.  I’m trying to build a new lifestyle, new behaviors and habits. There’s only so much room inside of me and if it’s taken up by my old self, where with the new me go?

In the past I’ve always convinced myself that if I just hurry up and get the weight off, I’ll worry about setting new habits then and how to keep it off when I get there.

Well, look at me today. Did a good job of that, didn’t I!

I will continue to peel back my onion one layer at a time. There will be tears and I will more than likely slip and skin my knees from time to time climbing that mountain.

Did I mention I’ve lost 12 pounds as of today? 

Ya, I kinda did!!!

Isaiah 40:31: "Those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."

Romans 14:17: "...for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit."

2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."

Philippians 1:6: "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

Hebrews 12:11: "All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."

3 John 1:2: "Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers."