Dear diary...

It’s over the last 2 weeks I’ve really pondered my life. Not light bulb moments or walks in the daisies, but  a look at a photo album, if you will. Put on the brakes and asked myself why am I doing this? Seriously, why? I’ve been messing around with this for over 15 years. Why haven’t I figured this out yet?

For crying out loud, when will I get off this merry-go-round. I’m dizzy.

During some heavy cleaning Saturday I came across 2 of my journals I’ve done over the years.

All I can say is WOW.

I was in pain, such pain. I’ve never been happy with my body. I’ve never accepted myself. The words I spoke were those of a miserable person. I can’t get over how my hand writing fluctuated. The worse the pain, the more I seemed to scribble.

Wednesday July 27, 2005

“Day 2 is done, it’s 10:20pm. Wow, this diet stuff SUCKS!!! I suffered an enormous headache today, migraine. I got through it though. A hot bath and 800 mg ibuprofen did wonders. I didn’t give into the demon. I praise God for my strength today and every day. When I take time to image being thin, it scares me to death. I don’t know if I can do it. People will look at me, I’ll get attention. YUCK! I don’t want it. I’m afraid…..

…I don’t know how to be thin. Overweight is easier. But I HATE being fat. I can’t sit right, walk right, walk too far or very much, climb stairs, play with my kids or plop on my husband’s lap…I wish I knew why I am fat. What am I hiding from? I see how much my Dad loves me when he looks at me, but I also see his disappointment…I know everyone around me is tired of me being fat, especially tired of me talking about it….It’s so stupid what I have put my mind and body through…Poor Bob, he didn’t sign up for this…”

As you can probably imagine, this … is me leaving out the really personal stuff. Some of it’s too much to make public.

January 18, 2006

I weigh 204.4 pounds. I have lost 40 pounds over a 6 month period. WOW, that’s awesome. I’ve never done that well, EVER! (on a side note, I’d give anything to weigh 204 pounds today!)

August 29, 2006

I am so fat AGAIN! What happened? I am better than this…

July 12, 2007

Dear Lord, I want my song back.

Oh brother, where do I go from here. I haven’t journaled in a long time. I’m thinking it’s time to blow the dust off the notebook and get going again.

But gosh darn it, my words need to change because I’m figuring this crap out, once and for all.

Dear God, I want my song back!