All of me, the secret life

People who have never been really fat/obese don't realize the level of suffering on a daily basis and on every level that very fat people endure. They can't grasp the many challenges that we face from clothes that will not fit, tying our shoes to worrying about fitting into the movie theater chair. Bending over in the shower to shave my legs, paint my toe nails and trying to get up from sitting on the floor. That was me!

The world has no clue the secret life of fat people and all the humiliation we suffer even exists. It's a hard dose of tolerance we have built up for the social abuse we take. So many people don't care. They think we deserve to suffer for being such lazy, weak, and self made pigs.

All of this and I wasn't even at 300 pounds. I wasn't obese in the sense that the world relates to. I was SO overweight, former classmates haven't recognized me before. I couldn't go to any Dr. appointment without being told my BMI was so high I'm obese and I always get handed the pamphlet to read about obesity when I leave.

People are grossed out when they see you eating at McDonalds, grossed out when they see you eating anywhere. Especially when they see what you're eating. If it's anything other than a salad or just a single saltine cracker on your plate, they stare at you in disgust. I've been stared at and eyes rolled at me many times.

I think what hurts the most is when people avoid looking at you all together, as if you aren't even there. We're invisible. There have been men passing me in the store, or where ever, and when we make eye contact I smile, just like I do to everyone I see, and the men can't look away fast enough. My stomach hurts every time. I love me Husband more than life itself, it's nothing like me flirting kind of thing. It's the principal. Men gawk, it's in their nature. They just don't do it at me anymore. Haven't for 15 years.

When we've had an event to attend, mostly going to family functions, it takes me an hour just to get dressed. I go through everything in my closet over and over constantly changing. Hating what I wear because "it makes me look fat". Didn't need clothes to do that, reality was I AM fat. Even at family gatherings you feel like everyone is watching you eat. Though they may not be, I still feet like a pig. In my mind everyone is pointing at me and laughing.

I couldn't tell you how many times I've just stood there staring at myself in the mirror, naked and crying. There were times in the middle of the night I would wake up on my side, feel my belly laying on the bed, grab it hard to the point it was painful and say out loud "GOD Marcy, what the hell have you done!" while gritting my teeth.

Yesterday my 10 year old hugs me, steps back and says "MOM, my hands go on top of each other now when I hug you!!!" and she promptly hugged me over and over. I asked her where her hands were before and she held out her arms, forming a circle, but her finger tips were about a foot apart. I said "please hug Mommy again." She did, and squeezed as tight as she could, not letting go.

A huge part of me hopes that this blog changes the heart of my readers. How you view fat people. They are in pain, emotionally, that you can't even begin to grasp. 90% of them don't want to be fat and for most of them it's nearly impossible to win the fight. They try and try and try again...it's just too painful. Emotionally painful.

So many times at the gym I've gone into the bathroom sitting on the toilet just to cry. Every part of me is baggage fat, so many years of painful memories and past suffering. Eating gave relief. The alcoholic drinks vodka, the druggies snort coke...I ate.

Every pound you shed is another layer of the shield. Protecting you from what is hurting you. Letting it down is painful.

I've come along way in 3 1/2 months. 33 pounds is an amazing achievement! I text my Husband yesterday "You're getting your girlfriend back" and his response "I love u just the way u are!"

Thank you for caring, thank you for listening and please...put the next fat person you see into your heart. Say a prayer for them them and understand that what you see isn't who they are.