Figuring things out...

Under the weather so no gym today. Believe me, I would if I could. Should be clear to hit it tomorrow after work.

As for food...I need some help. I'm afraid to eat the wrong things...afraid to eat too much...so I'm not eating at all. Today consisted of 5 pretzel's and scrambled eggs. Not cool. My mind was all foggy by noon and I was shaky. Taco salad for dinner hit the spot. I could have had 10 helpings...BUT I DIDN'T!!!!! yay me!

I'm leaning towards Weight Watchers. Keeping track of points, which keep track of calories for me, seems to be the way to go. Points will be a lot easier for me. I punch what I ate into the app and tada!

Already my energy level is up and my spirits are too. Amazing what cardio will do for ya. I haven't had a regular pop in days. No sweets and no bread. I don't miss them either.

Hitting Woodfield Mall Saturday with my daughter and sister to buy a Jr. High valentines dance dress. A lot of walking. Great exercise! I'll take it any way I can get it.

Made an appointment with my medical Dr. for a check up and diet kick start. Please, anyone reading this who is starting a big weight loss like I am, go to your Dr. first for a check up. I'm afraid to see what my cholesterol is. At one time it was 340. Heart attack anyone?!

I'm going to see my trainer for measurements and an exercise routine. I miss her. I want her to see me hit the big goal. One I've had for years. Break 200 pounds! Haven't seen the under side of 200 since my wedding. Mom died 6 months later unexpectedly and BAM...bottom dropped out. Another post for another time.

I've decided on small goals. 10% of my weight at a time. Of course every 5 lbs I'm getting a new charm for my bracelet (buying it Saturday) so that will be a booster while working on that 10%. I like that idea!

I will post my full before picture with measurements this weekend. Can't wait to share my medical results when I have them (gulp)!

First goal is 28.7 lbs.

Here we go...

Before...& then some!

I miss my eye lids

Well, nice to meet you. This is Marcy. I turned 40 on January 14th. My new favorite F word...FORTY! I'm married to the most wonderful man for 15 years now, have been together for 21! We have 2 beautiful daughters and love our furry babies. Bailey and Bandit! ( no my girls aren't the furry ones )

CONFESSION: I put on a scarf to hide my huge turkey neck. I cheated. There will be a full body pic of me, bikini syle, with my measurements and other stats in a couple days. So for now, I'm puttin on a scarf people!

Is this picture doctor'd? Yes, I covered up a zit. Title is all "all of me" so I stopped at a pimple. I'm thinking acne is bad like this when you're overweight. If I'm going to have the skin of a 15 year old...how 'bout the body to boot! I mean seriously.

Looking at this pic, I realize how much I miss my eyelids. The first thing loved ones notice when I've lost weight...I have eyelids. One of the reasons I don't smile out loud...pushes up my chubby cheeks and then my eyes squint shut. I hate it.

I can't remember the last time I allowed my pic to be taken. I'm always the one BEHIND the camera. Missing from a good number of family events, you would never know I was there. Cartoon's for profile picture's on facebook or better yet an old one from forever ago where I was thin. Loved ones have been warned to never post a current pic of me, when they do I better not be tagged in it!

Video camera? Only if you want to eat it! No one runs fast than I do when a video camera comes out and no one ducks faster than I do when a camera pops out. I love that rule of thumb that tall people stand in the back. Ya, that's it, I'm in the back because I'm tall!

One of the commitments I've made to myself is to get in front of the camera and #2 to put them up in public.

OH MEIN GOTT MIR HELFEN!

Calling all food!

(sigh) Food. What am I going to do about food.

I know the difference between healthy food and fun food :) What I can't seem to do is be responsible & hold onto a daily routine. It's just easier to eat whatever I please, whenever it pleases me.

Who wants to write down everything they put in their mouth? Right down to a cough drop. That kinda sucks. One of my failure triggers has been "ugh, that's too much work!"

That being said, there are a ton of diet plan options out there. Spin the wheel, where she stops nobody knows. What is actually going to work with me, one I won't cry like a big baby about. That's the million dollar question. Which one is going to work for ME.

We all know the obvious choices. Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem. Or you could go with South Beach & Atkins. Better yet the cabbage soup diet (oh sure, if you want to fart sulfer all day), fruit diet, apple cider vinegar diet (tried it...UCK!) or the zone. Current craze is the HCG diet. The jury is still out on that one.

I could list 1,000's of them quite honestly. No diet is a one size fits all. Not even close.

I want to cut calories and watch carb intake. (cue Jeopardy theme song) Which one do I pick. While I ponder that and continue doing research, I will keep a watchful eye on what I eat and keep my butt going to the gym. Quanity and quality, quanity and quality...

Surprise!

Apparently I didn't stop to take into consideration that the world outside of facebook could find my blog. Holy cow, did they ever.

First reaction was OH C.R.A.P! NO!

This blog opens up my private life. Wide open.

Then again...why else would I be doing this?

This is why...a blurp from a message sent to me that brought tears to my eyes.

"...most important, always remember you are doing this for YOU. Others are affected, but this is one of the few times in your life that it is all about you. When the going gets tough, and it will, think about the powerful example you are setting for your lovely daughters who are seeing Mom take control. This is a life-altering journey. It is a trek, sometimes a battle. While it is a solitary endeavor, know that you are surrounded by people who love you, admire you and are inspired by you. I am proud to be part of Marcy's Militia!"

So now I dig a little deeper for a new batch of bravery. Stick with the original plan and purpose. Keep your eye on the prize and just keep swimming.

I have a lot of stories to tell, experiences as an obese person. 

A blog is born... 

Charm Bracelet

A wonderful, beyond loved friend gave me a great suggestion. Charm bracelet!

For every 5lb's lost, put on a new charm. I LOVE IT! A daily reminder of my accomplishments.

Thank you Peggy. I'll have a part of "you" here with me every 5 lbs!

Let's get ready to rumble!

Hit the gym for the first time today in over a year.

Ugh, what to wear. I have no cute yoga pants (too fat), T-shirts are all so tight because of my DDD girls...maybe I just won't go. I'll go tomorrow, or better yet I'll order workout clothes online and when they show up, I'll show up.

I look in the mirror.

Seriously, Marcy! Out of the shoot and you're already finding an excuse?

With that, I grab my plus sized elastic waist sweatpants. Gray and stained. It's all I got. Ugh, added humiliation.

Next, how am I going to hold these girls up? Nothing gets more negative attention at the gym than my chest. last time I lost a lot of weight a friend approached me, "you look GREAT, but you still have those tits!" Um, thanks? Good thing I'm not a jogger! Have ya heard that joke about how Dolly parton got her black eyes? Well, I have no real choices so it looks like it's the one I wore to work. I made sure to put on one of my husbands dark blue fire dept shirts...dark hides a multitude.

Ok, here we go.

Holy crap, the place is packed! I really don't like this. No turning back. Suck it up big girl (no pun intended). Then there it was...it being she...my trainer was there with a client. Haven't seen her in a year. Her smile made me feel at ease and I realized she's watched me yo yo for 4 years! Her smile tells me I can do this.

17 minutes of cardio and I was soaking wet. Wow, I'm so out of shape. Did some muscle work, treadmill cool off & off I go.

I did it.

NOTE TO SELF: don't forget to build your workout playlist so you don't spend so much time song surfing! Talk about a focus killer! Find the arm band too! Fartin' around holding that thing kinda sucked!

Take all of me

Let's just dive in head first. Get out from behind the curtain, take off all my "clothes" and stand before the world "naked".

When I woke up sunday morning I sat on the edge of my bed. Rubbing my eyes, trying to remember where I'm even at & cursing my alarm clock for doing what I told it to do...and there it was.

 

My stomach was touching my thighs.

 

I couldn’t believe it.

 

I've done it again. 

 

287 pounds, the biggest I've ever been.

 

I’ve used food as a coping mechanism for years to deal with tragedy and painful life experiences. A life that built a huge shit sandwich that landed on my plate and I’ve been bound and determined to eat it ever since. There was a time I bit off more than I could chew and bulimia found me.

 

(deep breath) I did it, I'm out from behind the curtain. That was the easy part.

 

As you walk along this journey with me, you'll eventually see all of me. The secret life of Obesity. This is NOT a cry for sympathy. No one feels more sorry for me than I already do. I've hid for years, absent from family pictures, hid in the back of group shots, making up stories to get out of social engagements...hiding.

 

I'm not hiding anymore, hiding behind the fat! Not another day. Not another minute.

 

My life depends on it.