I'm BACK!!!

No I haven’t given up and no I didn’t enter the witness protection program. Since my last post on May 13th, our life took a hard left turn just 11 days later. Dieting took a back seat…about 7 rows back!

I’ll keep it brief, our 13 year old daughter was diagnosed with a Chiara One Malformation on May 24^th. She’s suffered since about the age of 6 or 7 and her symptoms progressed to serious the end of her 7^th grade year. This whole time, us never knowing what was wrong. Her eye sight was now affected, etc.  It was pretty serious. We FINALLY had a doctor who recognized what he was seeing and at our 2^nd trip to the ER within a week, we were blessed to have this gentleman as our ER doctor. The rest is history…

After 8 days in Comers Children hospital – Chicago following brain/skull surgery, followed with 2 weeks of horrible vertigo…she is still recovering and doing wonderfully! She goes back to the specialist in October for the ‘all clear’ thumbs up and she can resume her normally scheduled childhood. Cheerleading will be in the plans this school year, believe it or not!

When all this came to a head, I had an afternoon when I lost it. I caved and had a 20 minute bing eating session. When it was over, I felt like a million bucks. I was able to get back on my diet but after a few days I had to cut myself a break. I just couldn’t do it. Emotions were running so high in our house, it’s been a very upsetting 2 months. As of this morning I’ve gained back 15 pounds, yes…15! Boy is it easy to do. The easy approach to life is to just eat what’s readily available to you. That means sugar, carbs and fat!

It is what it is and I’m going to say this with a serious face…I didn’t have much choice. I had to let go of the diet, I just couldn’t focus.

We're cramming an entire summer into just a few weeks, our daughters haven't had one. Life is so good right now. I’m back at it as of today and feel REALLY good about my future. We’ll get these 15 pounds back off and then I’ll pick up where I left off.

First step is saying goodbye to sugar. Pop, sugar in my coffee, chocolate, dessert…that is the first big step to diluting water retention and my bloated stomach. I feel gross! I’m a long ways away from the 45 pounds I originally lost…it won’t take but nothing to get these 15 back off. Amazing how horrible I feel after eating all this garbage for 2 months. It just kills your body, in an unbelievable rate! So scarey!

I look forward to talking with you all again and getting to the finish line.

This is in fact a journey, not a trip across town. Thank you so much for hanging in there with me and coming along for the ride!

With God as my witness, I WILL DO THIS!!!

Incredible shrinking boobies!

Of all the compliments I've received in my life, never did I think "Hey, your boobs, they're smaller!" would be the best one, let alone acceptable! Do you know of any women who would take that as a compliment?

Yesterday I thought I would give a smaller bra a test drive, mine just didn't seem to be doing the job anymore. I took a deep breath and took my sweet time getting it on. When I pulled it up and I was fully prepared for too much batter coming out of the waffle iron. That was not the case my friends. Fit like a glove. Holy crap! Could this be true? There's no way, no way man!

I stood there in the mirror staring at myself, took a turn to the left, then to the right. Yep, the clown car is full and doors are closed. Everybody is inside and doing fine. I put my DDD pony out to pasture, said my goodbye's and did a rather loud "YESSSSS"  with a fist pump happy to take my DD out for a spin!

I tried on a couple shirts that I was unable to wear because the buttons were spreading apart and voila, beautiful straight line. (insert me now doing to moon walk in celebration)

All this and only at 33 pounds down. What is the world going to be like in 33 more and 33 more after that? Hugging my Husband is kinda my favorite part right now. It's a much tighter hug and it doesn't hurt my girls, I'm liking that. Yes, very much.

This morning I stood there in my new bra, holding onto my girls (AKA my boobs) cupping them and staring in the mirror. My Husband gets a little giggle and a smile "Are you excited?".

Why yes I am, you betchya! Oh how it's the small things that please me!

His real colors

I've posted in the past a link to a guy on face book who has a page as a trainer. I am ashamed to admit I wish I hadn't shared his page with you. He has gone to a level of unprofessionalism and is launching personal attacks on posters on his page who disagree with him. Today, it was me. I was attempting to defend a woman he was attacking, complete with her picture, name and one post she made questioning one of his methods. I was so disappointed to see him do that, I found it unprofessional. I was courteous in what I said and he went off on me. He was so mean to me and when I told him how I've enjoyed his page, shared it with others including my blog, but that I would now unlike his page...his reply to me "I could care less"

I will NOT post his name or page on this particular post, he does not deserve any further attention. Please be mindful of who you put your trust in. He even posts quotes from Joyce Meyer, a Christian Pastor. The two don't seem to go together.

All of me, the secret life

People who have never been really fat/obese don't realize the level of suffering on a daily basis and on every level that very fat people endure. They can't grasp the many challenges that we face from clothes that will not fit, tying our shoes to worrying about fitting into the movie theater chair. Bending over in the shower to shave my legs, paint my toe nails and trying to get up from sitting on the floor. That was me!

The world has no clue the secret life of fat people and all the humiliation we suffer even exists. It's a hard dose of tolerance we have built up for the social abuse we take. So many people don't care. They think we deserve to suffer for being such lazy, weak, and self made pigs.

All of this and I wasn't even at 300 pounds. I wasn't obese in the sense that the world relates to. I was SO overweight, former classmates haven't recognized me before. I couldn't go to any Dr. appointment without being told my BMI was so high I'm obese and I always get handed the pamphlet to read about obesity when I leave.

People are grossed out when they see you eating at McDonalds, grossed out when they see you eating anywhere. Especially when they see what you're eating. If it's anything other than a salad or just a single saltine cracker on your plate, they stare at you in disgust. I've been stared at and eyes rolled at me many times.

I think what hurts the most is when people avoid looking at you all together, as if you aren't even there. We're invisible. There have been men passing me in the store, or where ever, and when we make eye contact I smile, just like I do to everyone I see, and the men can't look away fast enough. My stomach hurts every time. I love me Husband more than life itself, it's nothing like me flirting kind of thing. It's the principal. Men gawk, it's in their nature. They just don't do it at me anymore. Haven't for 15 years.

When we've had an event to attend, mostly going to family functions, it takes me an hour just to get dressed. I go through everything in my closet over and over constantly changing. Hating what I wear because "it makes me look fat". Didn't need clothes to do that, reality was I AM fat. Even at family gatherings you feel like everyone is watching you eat. Though they may not be, I still feet like a pig. In my mind everyone is pointing at me and laughing.

I couldn't tell you how many times I've just stood there staring at myself in the mirror, naked and crying. There were times in the middle of the night I would wake up on my side, feel my belly laying on the bed, grab it hard to the point it was painful and say out loud "GOD Marcy, what the hell have you done!" while gritting my teeth.

Yesterday my 10 year old hugs me, steps back and says "MOM, my hands go on top of each other now when I hug you!!!" and she promptly hugged me over and over. I asked her where her hands were before and she held out her arms, forming a circle, but her finger tips were about a foot apart. I said "please hug Mommy again." She did, and squeezed as tight as she could, not letting go.

A huge part of me hopes that this blog changes the heart of my readers. How you view fat people. They are in pain, emotionally, that you can't even begin to grasp. 90% of them don't want to be fat and for most of them it's nearly impossible to win the fight. They try and try and try again...it's just too painful. Emotionally painful.

So many times at the gym I've gone into the bathroom sitting on the toilet just to cry. Every part of me is baggage fat, so many years of painful memories and past suffering. Eating gave relief. The alcoholic drinks vodka, the druggies snort coke...I ate.

Every pound you shed is another layer of the shield. Protecting you from what is hurting you. Letting it down is painful.

I've come along way in 3 1/2 months. 33 pounds is an amazing achievement! I text my Husband yesterday "You're getting your girlfriend back" and his response "I love u just the way u are!"

Thank you for caring, thank you for listening and please...put the next fat person you see into your heart. Say a prayer for them them and understand that what you see isn't who they are.

The sun is shining on a rainy day!

33 pounds today and baggy pants, today is a great day! I see sun outside, not the rain that's coming down. In the sun I see hope. I smile :)

Update on new diet: I feel FANTASTIC! Oh don't get me wrong, first couple days were R O U G H!

For fear of eating too much, I didn’t eat enough. Thankfully spent the weekend with my Sister and she got me whipped into shape! That’s how I discovered I wasn’t eating enough, enough protein that is. I haven’t weighed my food before while doing calorie counting and that was my downfall. Needless to say the food scale is now on my counter and ready to go!

WATER WATER WATER and more WATER! I can’t stress enough how important it is to drink tons of water when you’re dieting. When you’re not dieting, you should be drinking a few bottles at least a day too. Especially when you’re cutting your calories, it’s vital to your organs and overall motor of your body. You put oil and gas in your car…well same goes for you body, water it regularly. Water was another big reason I was suffering for a couple days. All weekend I kept hearing “where’s your water?” “How many bottles have you had?” She gave me the visualization that if there were a bowl of reeces peeces sitting there (my all-time favorite) you would grab a handful every time you walked buy. Pretend your water is reeces and take a swig every time you would take a handful!” My favorite was “If you’ve stopped peeing, you’re doing something wrong!” We’re rather frank in my family, we like to get to the point!

As of today I’m at 261lbs, 26 pounds down from January when I started this journey. Not too shabby
I’d say!

I get out my bike today. Let’s get moving!!!

Here's Marcy!

I'm back! Missed all of you and sharing my journey. Left on April 15th for a Florida girls vacation with my sister. It was wonderful. Took some time off from all the dieting/exercising madness.

It was time to take a break!

Took me a couple days to allow myself a treat, but once I did it definitely relaxed me. I was truly stressing myself out. Putting way too much pressure on results, worried I wouldn't have good numbers to present all of you with.

I proud to announce during all of the naughty, naughty, naughty eating I've done since the 15th, I only gained back 5 pounds! Yes, only 5. That's what exercise does for you.

My sister is also on this journey of weight loss. We are both looking at a substantial amount needed but more importantly a clothing size that we would be happy living in. That size gives us a break from the scale. I think that's more important. How I feel.

With that, I joined her on a new diet program she's been on. It's much more strict and will keep me on track with my eating, and when I say strict...I mean strict.

It's been raining here and down in the 50's...after 2 days of high 80's and a few 70's. Living in the Midwest is giving me whiplash :) It's time to get out of the dungeon, I mean the gym! Get some fresh air and sunlight. Wiping the dust off of my new bike I got for Mother's Day last year. My gym membership expired Monday the 29th, perfect timing! I have a good 2 hour window to myself after work before I pick the kids up at school. We have wonderful trails in town provided by our park district. Going to get the bike rack hooked up on my Tahoe and pedal my troubles away!

I'm going to let yard work be my strength training, in addition to the remodel we are doing on our house. I have window boxes and porch railings to paint. Tons of flowers to plant and weeds to pull. We scraped our popcorn ceiling off Tuesday night and last night when I got in bed, I could barely lift my arms. What did I say? "That was a good workout!". It was indeed.

Don't give up on me! I took a little vacation so I wouldn't lose my marbles!

Spring cleaning isn't just for your house, it's something you can also for your soul! Time to get cleaning :)

Hello neighbors!

Have to give a shout out to my friends from neighboring countries. Well, maybe not direct neighbors but I consider them to be :)

Germany
Russia
United Kingdom
United Arab Emirates
China
Croatia
South Korea
Mexico
Malaysia Thailand It's great to see and a big THANK YOU to you for reading my rambling! It takes a village and I truly appreciate your support!

Patience my dear, patience.

From Lean Bodies Counseling on Facebook:

"Despite the abundance of weight loss marketing suggesting that the body of your dreams is just weeks away, I can assure you that this is almost never the case.

Great physiques are created with consistency, compliance, and patience. In many cases years have been invested in the physiques most would aspire to.

So if you're struggling today because you just don't see the results in the mirror or on the scale yet, I want to say this to you: Stay the course and be patient. Keep doing what you need to do, and the results WILL come."

True words to live by. As I continue to struggle DAILY, it's these moments of inspiration that keep me moving. Right now the scale is stuck in the mud. Big time!

I'm absolutely not giving up, but I sure wish it would move. It's been a week. It doesn't make any sense. But hey, what do I know.

I weigh in Friday so I will be sure to post my status. I'm praying I've hit my goal. I could really use some prayers this week. I'm getting really frustrated and down on myself.

As I climb this mountain, I've slipped and skinned my knee. If you know what I mean. God help me find me a way to keep climbing.




 

Flavor shiver!

Day...well, I have no idea how many days it's been, of NO sugar or artificial sweetener in my coffee. Still doing half-n-half. It's made a HUGE difference in my weight loss. The scale moved a tad bit faster these last 7 days or so. God help my breath though, coffee is a killer 8(

As bad as I do the "UCK" shiver when I drink it, you know like when you eat something sour, it's growing on me.

Any food changes any of you have made, flavor sacrifices, that have made a big difference? I'll take any pointers I can get.

Thanks for reading and your continued OVERWHELMING support!

Now to just give up pop. Did sugar pop a long time ago...diet, it's gotta go.

Dear diary...

It’s over the last 2 weeks I’ve really pondered my life. Not light bulb moments or walks in the daisies, but  a look at a photo album, if you will. Put on the brakes and asked myself why am I doing this? Seriously, why? I’ve been messing around with this for over 15 years. Why haven’t I figured this out yet?

For crying out loud, when will I get off this merry-go-round. I’m dizzy.

During some heavy cleaning Saturday I came across 2 of my journals I’ve done over the years.

All I can say is WOW.

I was in pain, such pain. I’ve never been happy with my body. I’ve never accepted myself. The words I spoke were those of a miserable person. I can’t get over how my hand writing fluctuated. The worse the pain, the more I seemed to scribble.

Wednesday July 27, 2005

“Day 2 is done, it’s 10:20pm. Wow, this diet stuff SUCKS!!! I suffered an enormous headache today, migraine. I got through it though. A hot bath and 800 mg ibuprofen did wonders. I didn’t give into the demon. I praise God for my strength today and every day. When I take time to image being thin, it scares me to death. I don’t know if I can do it. People will look at me, I’ll get attention. YUCK! I don’t want it. I’m afraid…..

…I don’t know how to be thin. Overweight is easier. But I HATE being fat. I can’t sit right, walk right, walk too far or very much, climb stairs, play with my kids or plop on my husband’s lap…I wish I knew why I am fat. What am I hiding from? I see how much my Dad loves me when he looks at me, but I also see his disappointment…I know everyone around me is tired of me being fat, especially tired of me talking about it….It’s so stupid what I have put my mind and body through…Poor Bob, he didn’t sign up for this…”

As you can probably imagine, this … is me leaving out the really personal stuff. Some of it’s too much to make public.

January 18, 2006

I weigh 204.4 pounds. I have lost 40 pounds over a 6 month period. WOW, that’s awesome. I’ve never done that well, EVER! (on a side note, I’d give anything to weigh 204 pounds today!)

August 29, 2006

I am so fat AGAIN! What happened? I am better than this…

July 12, 2007

Dear Lord, I want my song back.

Oh brother, where do I go from here. I haven’t journaled in a long time. I’m thinking it’s time to blow the dust off the notebook and get going again.

But gosh darn it, my words need to change because I’m figuring this crap out, once and for all.

Dear God, I want my song back!

Measurement day...YAY!!!!!!!!

As of today I've lost a total of 9.75 inches!

                                                           1/29/13    3/13/13

Shoulders     56.75        53.75
Chest            56.25         53.75
Bicep            16.50         16.75
Waist            51.25         48.50
Hips               54.25        53.25
Quad              31             30.25
Calf               18.25         18.25

For years I have fought the inches vs. scale comparison. Not anymore. Take one look at the picture and tell me how much you can count on the scale! I want the scale to reflect MUSCLE pounds and not FAT pounds.

Star of hope

I finally bought my goal charm bracelet. It's the "Celebrate Life" bracelet from Hallmark. I thought that to be rather appropriate, don't ya think?

I bought my first 2 charms. First one for my first 5 pounds is the star of hope. I did it, the ball is rolling. There is hope. 2nd charm is purple bling. Well of course purple is my favorite color, that's a no brainer. But it also starts with the letter P. My dear friend Peggy gave me the idea for the charm bracelet. I also thought that to be appropriate.

If anyone has any ideas for future charms, I welcome the input. I'm holding myself accountable here by keeping this blog. It's all of you who have been inspired by this to start your own journey that takes my breath away. I love you all! Thank you to all my readers, you rock!

Did I mention I already have to buy another charm? Ya, I do!

mmmmm, chocolate! mmmmm, cake!

I woke up yesterday with the mind set that "I CAN'T TAKE THE DAY OFF!" from excercise. All along I'm supposed to take Wednesday and Sunday's off. So far, I did that once. I can't, not yet. I can't let one day go to waste. I just can't. After pacing the house for about 30 minutes yesterday afternoon, trying everything to get my mind off of it, I threw on my yoga pants and out the door I went. I sweat up a storm. It was FANTASTIC!

Until I got home

About 30 minutes after being home, I went downstairs to see how my Husband's project was going. When I started back UP the stairs, it was about the 3rd step that I went UGH. I then had to take them slowly, one at a time. My legs were killing me. Slowly my back followed suit, only to be budged by my hips!

I over did it

Now I know why they say to take days "off". Learned a few new things yesterday. I didn't realize that when you exercise, you get tears in your muscle's. You need the days rest so your muscle can rebuild itself and in the words of my friend "that's when the magic happens!".

With that I put on my pj pants and hit the couch. It felt good to veg out. I've been eating so good for days and days. Scale is moving and I can't wait to get measured tomorrow.

That being said...

I felt bad because I haven't done any baking in two months. Don't want the temptation in the house. I made my Husband a chocolate cake. Yep, a chocolate cake. Guess what ,I LICKED THE BATTER! You betcha. My body and soul deserved a break. I didn't consider it a reward, I considered it a priviledge.

On that note, when it was done baking I waited about 30 minutes and put the frosting on while it was still warm. Gotta have it all warm and gooey! As I stood there looking over my Sunday delight, my gift to my Husband...I said "Aw the hell with it!" and cut myself a piece. Poured an ice cold glass of milk as a chaser and curled up on the couch to enjoy. 2 weeks ago I would have been riddled with guilt, not today folks! I enjoyed every last bite right down to licking the frosting off the corners of my mouth when I was done!

Folks take it from me, you have got to treat yourself once in awhile. By not doing so you're actually punishing yourself. You can do that just so many times and you eventually cave in and not in a good way. Binging is a risk. Besides, it wakes your body up. It gets so used to burning the same substance that throwing in some sugar & an avalanche of carbs (which is what my one piece of cake was) has your body suddenly stand at attention. Your metabolism goes "What the what?!" as my 10 year old says. It says "EVERY BODY UP, THIS IS A RED ALERT. THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE!".

Magic. A piece of chocolate cake and a day of rest today. Abbra Cadabra!

Adult diaper bag!

I realized this morning that I have an adult diaper bag!

Instead of diaper rash cream it's Bengay
Sweat towel instead of burp cloth
Sports bra instead of a diaper.
Yoga pants instead of a onsie
iPod instead of a pacifier
Water bottle instead of baby bottle.

That about covers it!

All I need is a stroller to carry my worn out ass in after the work out :)

My mountain

My daily devotion the other day said “you are not meant for crawling, so don’t. You were born with wings”

That sums up my first 4 weeks here. I crawled.

I found the best statement from a weight loss success story today “Renewing your mind is a key concept weight loss. One reason people fail in losing weight is attempting to pile new behaviors on top of an old mindset. Sooner or later, your old mindset convinces you to quit and you wind up in the same shape as before or even worse.”

What I woke up to this morning was the realization that I’m relying on everyone and everything around me to make this happen for me. So much focus on food. I swear that’s all I think about.  The only place I should be focusing on is inside me. It’s like I’m trying to push the same stupid boulder the same 3 inches and getting nowhere but tired and sore. Is it Mylie Cyrus that sings about that mountain, how I want to make it move. It’s the climb up that mountain that God has in store for me; he has no intention of it ever moving. Only then will I build the strength to overcome all my struggles. He will provide me the strength to keep climbing when I’m ready to quit or too weak to continue and at risk of falling.

Along these first 4 weeks, there have been numerous snares and snags. The devils little trip wires. It would be something as simple as a post on Facebook to pull the rug out from under me. EVERYONE has an opinion about what I’m doing, how I’m doing it. The ones I’m referring to are the ones telling me I’m doing it wrong. Or better yet about how they hate dieting, why even bother because you just gain it all back, it’s stupid and a waste of time. You’ll never actually do it, you know that right? How many times have you done this? Then there it is, the smirk. Nothing beats the time I was approached out of the blue by someone who came up to me and said “There is a diet you have got to try, ya know when you’re ready to do something”. This wasn’t recently, this was last summer at a time when I wasn’t even thinking about my weight or on a diet. Gee, am I fat? Thanks for letting me know. I’m pretty sure my chin hit the ground.

The devils snares are going to be everywhere

Oh, I could grab this diet or that diet and lose 50 lbs. without thinking twice about it. But…I don’t want to do that. If I do that and have done NOTHING to change my mindset, what will I have gained? I’m trying to change my life, not just my waist line.  I’m trying to build a new lifestyle, new behaviors and habits. There’s only so much room inside of me and if it’s taken up by my old self, where with the new me go?

In the past I’ve always convinced myself that if I just hurry up and get the weight off, I’ll worry about setting new habits then and how to keep it off when I get there.

Well, look at me today. Did a good job of that, didn’t I!

I will continue to peel back my onion one layer at a time. There will be tears and I will more than likely slip and skin my knees from time to time climbing that mountain.

Did I mention I’ve lost 12 pounds as of today? 

Ya, I kinda did!!!

Isaiah 40:31: "Those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."

Romans 14:17: "...for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit."

2 Corinthians 5:17: "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."

Philippians 1:6: "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

Hebrews 12:11: "All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness."

3 John 1:2: "Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers."

 

T-minus 85 minutes!

Weigh in & measurements day.

T-minus 85 minutes until my meeting with my Trainer. I'm hungry! I don't eat before weigh-in's. Tell me someone who does?!

I'm not hopeful. At all. But that's ok. I'm not giving up here. Not quite!

I've had some rough days, amazing days and some average boring dieting days. I'm chaning my diet plan today. I'm certainly keeping it interesting. This Goldilocks will find her bowl of porridge yet!

I've been turned on to a new workout at our park district by some of my friends. A break from the "dungeon" of the gym is great every once in awhile. It's called "Fitness on Demand". A room where you can walk into anytime of the day and pick out a workout routine of your choice, it's all digital. A huge movie screen is on the wall and they have every piece of equipment you need to do any one of the video's. I'm pretty excited too because this means both my girls can do it with me. They begged me to go yesterday. I promised them today we would go.

I haven't bought my first charm yet. I had 2 coming, but didn't get them for fear I would have to return one. I think after today I will find my prediction correct. Oh well. Every day is a new day.

I think I'm going to add a food supplement for some portion of my day. A chance to not think about it and grab what's already determined for me. Lunch or dinner...each day will have it's own outcome!

I must say I am so overwhelmed with the messages of support and encouragement I received on a daily basis. It truly means the world and ALSO, keeps my butt accountable. People are watching and waiting...

The best advice I give myself right now is that this isn't a race. I can't be in a hurry. When I do I become slave to the calendar and scale. Yes, I want to be slimmer when I climb into my first bathing suit of the year when I head to Florida on my girls trip in April. I haven't given up on that, why should I? There's being slimmer, and then there's being skinny. Let's be realistic here. Slimmer is a frame of mind and about how I'll feel in my clothes. That's a soft landing and a realistic goal.

I will either dread or squeel with excitement posting my weight and measurements when I get home.

T-minus 70 minutes!

Mega temptation!!!

Survived a MAJOR temptation yesterday. I'm a double stuff oreo freak-a-zoid! Walking back to grab milk at SV, I pass a display of new Oreo's. Mega-stuff. Are you kidding me??? I had my hand on them ready to pick up without giving it a second thought, but then didn't. I stood there for a second, hand still gripping the Mega-stuff Oreo crack cookies and talked myself down. As I let go I murmured no, no, no, no....all the way to the milk section. I then took the long way to the check out going to the complete opposite end of the store. I think I actually broke a sweat while pondering my dilemma. I couldn't drive away fast enough. I have yet to stop thinking about them. Remembering that once upon a time I would have eaten an entire row out of the package when I got home. Makes me cringe.

Put on a pair of pants today I haven't worn in 2 years. Feels pretty good. Got a tad smidge of a muffin top, but nothing I'm ashamed of sporting in public today!

Down 12 pounds and holding. Time to get my second wind.

I will not give up!

Someone help me up

Crap. Today was not a good day.

I ate cookies and frosting. Not in an emotional spiral bing...just did. Made them for my little ones teacher for valentines. I haven't felt in diet mode today.

Suffered a minor injury today requiring some liquid stitches and a tetanus shot. Threw me off.

I really didn't expect to fall off the wagon this soon. It's only one day, right? It's not 4 days or a full week, just one day. Too much sugar. Way too much sugar. I hope I didn't gain any weight back today.

I need to forgive myself here.

Damit!

Family affair!

I officially started my 7 day workout routine on Saturday. Here it is, in summary (want the details I'm more than happy to give you my Trainer's number!!)

Monday - CARDIO CARDIO CARDIO
Tuesday - lower body
Wednesday - rest
Thursday - upper body
Friday - CARDIO CARDIO CARDIO
Saturday - Abs, abs and more abs.
Sunday- rest.

In the meantime I'm sticking to my 1500 daily calorie diet. I'm not eating all those calories. Quite frankly I'm not hungry! I did eat c.r.a.p.p.y. this weekend. Give my body a wake up call.

Saturday I did abs, Sunday I chilled, Monday I did cardio attack and then there was tonight.....

The gym closes at 9:00pm. It's now 8:00pm. Life took me right up until the last minute. I know how long my workout is and I have to take into consideration my drive time. We don't live in town.

As I toss back and forth what to do, my 12 year old is following me around the house. I bought my girls a membership Monday night, when they came with me. They've enjoyed playing basketball. So now they have itches to scratch!

I get my clothes on and keep looking at the clock. Now it's 8:05.

"Honey, it's just too late!"
"Mom, even if you only do a few minutes of cardio...it's fine!"

Time passes

"Ugh, I can't find my other sock! I've just run out of time kid"
"Here Mom, here's one"

Crap

She's gonna make me go.

We get to the gym and I don't have time to show her how to use the workout equipment, nor should I. Need to leave that up to the experts. I'm grunting and groaning the whole way in...

"We don't have enough time...we're too late..."
"It's fine Mom!"

As I sign in I realize I forgot my workout routine in the car, my daughter jumps up right away...

"I'll GO GET IT!!!"

Off she goes.

I ask the young man behind the counter if he could show my daughter how to use the treadmill and he does.

That little shit...she weighs but maybe 85lbs. When I'm all done with my workout and call her over to leave, her little face is purple and red...but she's grinning from ear to ear. She ran on that treadmill for 50 minutes while I did my workout. 50 minutes!

"You just ran on that treadmill for an hour while I worked out!"

She closes her eyes and smiles at me

"Thank you babe, for making Mommy come" (big hug)

As we walk up the stairs leaving the gym, in silence and in pain with our legs shaking, we hear over the loud speaker "Attention, Nash will be closing in 5 minutes".

3 steps of silence

"Even if ya only did 5 minutes of cardio Mom...it would have been somethin'!"

As I glow in the beauty of my daughter and her love for me...it's quickly squashed (insert here the needle scratching across the record) when we hit the top of the stairs, open the door and there sits her crush! I think she suddenly forgot how to speak, let alone how to put one foot in front of the other!

No wonder she pushed me to the gym!

Say cheese!

I'm smiling wide this morning. In just 2 short weeks I have on a belt I haven't been able to wear in about a year.

Just when I look in the mirror in only my under garments & get MAJOR discouraged...I say the hell with it and grab the belt.

Voila!

I'm at the first notch only, but without pain & the Guiness Book of muffin tops. Can't wait to get weighed Monday. Anticipating I'll be buying 2 charms for my first little celebration. If not, one is ok. Not gonna complain!

I head to my trainer today, Kim Henry (look her up, she rocks!) to get my workout routine. It will be nice to have a plan when I walk in the gym. It's real easy to get bored and burnt out when you just stand there not reallying knowing what to do. I go balls out on the elliptical and then go "now what". Give me some structure. Forever a toddler!

I really look forward to hitting my goals with her. Lot's of little hooray's and high fives for months to come. It's the mother ship that will really rock my world. She has watched me struggle for 3 years and been my best cheerleader. Never giving up on me. I imagine what that moment on the scale will be like. It's a beautiful sight.

For now I continue on the My Fitness Pal app counting calories. Watching my carb intake. So far so good. Searching out 100 calorie snacks. Those are GREAT!

Yesterday I received a little package on my front step. A member of my "malitia", family from Omaha, sent me a care package of workout clothes. LOVE YOU MJ! I can't wait to flaunt my normal exercise pants at the gym! I'll feel somewhat normal in there.

One day at a time!

To treat or not to treat...that is the question

Valentines day cometh! I love nothing more than getting the box of chocolates from my Husband.

Do I say it's ok? Do I give myself that day of  bliss? Will I be able to stay seated firmly on the wagon if I do?

At what point are you punishing yourself for dieting?

OH Philip!

I've taken this journey so many times. Each time I ask myself "how can I get from point A to B the fastest?"

No matter how fast I ran...I never did find my way home.

This time, I'm taking the scenic route. Posting before pics of myself & lovely workout photo's...that's me taking the convertible this time. I got the top down. Wind in my hair & the music is cranked!

No google map for me, I'm planning the route, taking turns as the wind blows and following the sun as it rises and sets. I don't recognize the scenery, but I sure am enjoying the view. Hey, I may even stop to see the worlds largest ball of twine!

I want all of you to know you have a home here. Some of us are riding a bike, walking or hitch hiking...but we're all taking a journey. In one way or another, we'll get there.

As I'm listening to Philip Phillips today for the 1 gazillionith time, I had one of those moments when you forget where you are and I found myself mouth open just looking at the car stereo. OH. MY. GOD.

Hold on, to me as we go.
As we roll down this unfamiliar road.
And although this wave is stringing us along.
Just know you’re not alone,
Cause I’m going to make this place your home.

Settle down, it'll all be clear.
Don't pay no mind to the demons,
They fill you with fear.
The trouble it might drag you down.
If you get lost, you can always be found.

Just know you’re not alone,
Cause I’m going to make this place your home.

Now insert the scene from Jerry McGuire in the car "freeeee fallen". Yep, I hit replay and cranked it.

Those demons are a bitch, I'm gonna trip and fall...but I'm not alone and I WILL make it home!

Getting a pic from a dear friend who took it of herself while on HER treadmill with a thumbs up made me about 10 feet tall today. "I'm with ya" she said.

Made me feel kinda like Forest Gump. So, who else wants to run with me?

My little helper

Thank you to my friend Shauna for introducing me to my fitness pal. I really like it. This is going to be my best friend!

Trainer day & a charm is a comin'!

Saw my trainer today. Got measured and weighed. LOST 3 POUNDS SINCE TUESDAY!!!!! 2 more pounds and I get my first charm!

As of today:

284 lbs.
Shoulders: 56.25
Chest: 56.25 (HOLY CRAP!)
Bicep: 16.50
Waist: 51.25
Hips: 54.25
Thigh: 31
Calf: 18.25

Here's my official before pictures. Oh God...

It's not fair!

I'm in Rockford and shopping for workout clothes. I desperately need some. From one store to the next...no plus size available. My last stop is Target and now I've had it. I'm with my daughter and I blurt out "APPARENTLY ONLY SKINNY PEOPLE EXERCISE!" while standing in the middle of the clothes. She looked at me with such sadness and just didn't know what to say.

I told her that this is what the plus size nation has to deal with. A closed society. It's almost as if they're handing out a punishment. Fat? Then wear a poncho until you're skinny enough to deserve to look good in the gym.

I've ordered some online from Old Navy. I pray they fit. Their sizing sucks. But I shouldn't have to do that. So again today it's dig into the garbage I have to choose from. My self image is bad enough...it would help if I had clothes to brighten my spirits. I feel like a cactus in the middle of a wild flower field as it is.

Such is life. My life.

Thank you!

I am overwhelmed with all the messages I’m receiving. Loads of advice and offers to help, diets to try or simply to be a shoulder to lean on, cry on.  An offer to be my partner/mentor from weight loss experienced friends, acquaintances and strangers alike or simply to say YOU CAN DO IT!

I’m doing my best to respond to you all, please don’t think less of me if it’s takes a little bit. I want you all to know you’re touching my heart in more ways than I can count! It’s all so overwhelming, I can honestly say I didn’t expect the response my blog and journey is receiving. I share my life with so many just like me. It's a silent suffering and to overcome the grip of obesity...it takes a village! At least for me it will. Place myself in the middle of town square. For years I've hid in the dark trying to do this all myself. Pretend it really isn't real. Scared of being stoned for revealing.

I'm not scared anymore. Thank you so much to my friends who are taking my hand and for the new friends I'm making along the way.

 My cup runneth over.

THANK YOU!

Ain't nothin pretty about it

As I'm going balls out on the elliptical, I imagine myself running in the treadmill in front of me. All thin and sexy. Tight little yoga pants, long blonde hair in a pony, iPod strapped to my arm rockin' 80's hair metal and my cute new little Nike's on. I get a huge smile on my face as I imagine posting my working out before pic, hid in the basement of Nash and my running through the park IN PUBLIC after pic.

So...I snap a pic of myself as I'm thumping away on the elliptical. Oh Lord it's awful. But...I've promised real truth here, all of me. So as you can see, ain't nothin' pretty about it. Horrible angle I will admit. Have on my long sleeve Bears t-shirt, cut off sweats and really need to shave my legs. When I was done I was shaking so flippin' bad. Couldn't hold my water bottle to take a drink. The same hot 20 something year old that was jogging in front of me, who's pants kept falling down, was staring at this cute little 20 something in HER tight little yoga pants. I stepped in front of her and he craned around to still see her and at first it hurt my feelings. But then I thought of it.

When I'm the skinny bitch in her tight yoga pants you're gonna stare at MY ass, and guess what...when I step off the treadmill I'll hand you this picture of me. Remember that fat 40 year old that was nothing more than in your way...well so do I. She wanted me to give you a message...

Figuring things out...

Under the weather so no gym today. Believe me, I would if I could. Should be clear to hit it tomorrow after work.

As for food...I need some help. I'm afraid to eat the wrong things...afraid to eat too much...so I'm not eating at all. Today consisted of 5 pretzel's and scrambled eggs. Not cool. My mind was all foggy by noon and I was shaky. Taco salad for dinner hit the spot. I could have had 10 helpings...BUT I DIDN'T!!!!! yay me!

I'm leaning towards Weight Watchers. Keeping track of points, which keep track of calories for me, seems to be the way to go. Points will be a lot easier for me. I punch what I ate into the app and tada!

Already my energy level is up and my spirits are too. Amazing what cardio will do for ya. I haven't had a regular pop in days. No sweets and no bread. I don't miss them either.

Hitting Woodfield Mall Saturday with my daughter and sister to buy a Jr. High valentines dance dress. A lot of walking. Great exercise! I'll take it any way I can get it.

Made an appointment with my medical Dr. for a check up and diet kick start. Please, anyone reading this who is starting a big weight loss like I am, go to your Dr. first for a check up. I'm afraid to see what my cholesterol is. At one time it was 340. Heart attack anyone?!

I'm going to see my trainer for measurements and an exercise routine. I miss her. I want her to see me hit the big goal. One I've had for years. Break 200 pounds! Haven't seen the under side of 200 since my wedding. Mom died 6 months later unexpectedly and BAM...bottom dropped out. Another post for another time.

I've decided on small goals. 10% of my weight at a time. Of course every 5 lbs I'm getting a new charm for my bracelet (buying it Saturday) so that will be a booster while working on that 10%. I like that idea!

I will post my full before picture with measurements this weekend. Can't wait to share my medical results when I have them (gulp)!

First goal is 28.7 lbs.

Here we go...

Before...& then some!

I miss my eye lids

Well, nice to meet you. This is Marcy. I turned 40 on January 14th. My new favorite F word...FORTY! I'm married to the most wonderful man for 15 years now, have been together for 21! We have 2 beautiful daughters and love our furry babies. Bailey and Bandit! ( no my girls aren't the furry ones )

CONFESSION: I put on a scarf to hide my huge turkey neck. I cheated. There will be a full body pic of me, bikini syle, with my measurements and other stats in a couple days. So for now, I'm puttin on a scarf people!

Is this picture doctor'd? Yes, I covered up a zit. Title is all "all of me" so I stopped at a pimple. I'm thinking acne is bad like this when you're overweight. If I'm going to have the skin of a 15 year old...how 'bout the body to boot! I mean seriously.

Looking at this pic, I realize how much I miss my eyelids. The first thing loved ones notice when I've lost weight...I have eyelids. One of the reasons I don't smile out loud...pushes up my chubby cheeks and then my eyes squint shut. I hate it.

I can't remember the last time I allowed my pic to be taken. I'm always the one BEHIND the camera. Missing from a good number of family events, you would never know I was there. Cartoon's for profile picture's on facebook or better yet an old one from forever ago where I was thin. Loved ones have been warned to never post a current pic of me, when they do I better not be tagged in it!

Video camera? Only if you want to eat it! No one runs fast than I do when a video camera comes out and no one ducks faster than I do when a camera pops out. I love that rule of thumb that tall people stand in the back. Ya, that's it, I'm in the back because I'm tall!

One of the commitments I've made to myself is to get in front of the camera and #2 to put them up in public.

OH MEIN GOTT MIR HELFEN!

Calling all food!

(sigh) Food. What am I going to do about food.

I know the difference between healthy food and fun food :) What I can't seem to do is be responsible & hold onto a daily routine. It's just easier to eat whatever I please, whenever it pleases me.

Who wants to write down everything they put in their mouth? Right down to a cough drop. That kinda sucks. One of my failure triggers has been "ugh, that's too much work!"

That being said, there are a ton of diet plan options out there. Spin the wheel, where she stops nobody knows. What is actually going to work with me, one I won't cry like a big baby about. That's the million dollar question. Which one is going to work for ME.

We all know the obvious choices. Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem. Or you could go with South Beach & Atkins. Better yet the cabbage soup diet (oh sure, if you want to fart sulfer all day), fruit diet, apple cider vinegar diet (tried it...UCK!) or the zone. Current craze is the HCG diet. The jury is still out on that one.

I could list 1,000's of them quite honestly. No diet is a one size fits all. Not even close.

I want to cut calories and watch carb intake. (cue Jeopardy theme song) Which one do I pick. While I ponder that and continue doing research, I will keep a watchful eye on what I eat and keep my butt going to the gym. Quanity and quality, quanity and quality...

Surprise!

Apparently I didn't stop to take into consideration that the world outside of facebook could find my blog. Holy cow, did they ever.

First reaction was OH C.R.A.P! NO!

This blog opens up my private life. Wide open.

Then again...why else would I be doing this?

This is why...a blurp from a message sent to me that brought tears to my eyes.

"...most important, always remember you are doing this for YOU. Others are affected, but this is one of the few times in your life that it is all about you. When the going gets tough, and it will, think about the powerful example you are setting for your lovely daughters who are seeing Mom take control. This is a life-altering journey. It is a trek, sometimes a battle. While it is a solitary endeavor, know that you are surrounded by people who love you, admire you and are inspired by you. I am proud to be part of Marcy's Militia!"

So now I dig a little deeper for a new batch of bravery. Stick with the original plan and purpose. Keep your eye on the prize and just keep swimming.

I have a lot of stories to tell, experiences as an obese person. 

A blog is born... 

Charm Bracelet

A wonderful, beyond loved friend gave me a great suggestion. Charm bracelet!

For every 5lb's lost, put on a new charm. I LOVE IT! A daily reminder of my accomplishments.

Thank you Peggy. I'll have a part of "you" here with me every 5 lbs!

Let's get ready to rumble!

Hit the gym for the first time today in over a year.

Ugh, what to wear. I have no cute yoga pants (too fat), T-shirts are all so tight because of my DDD girls...maybe I just won't go. I'll go tomorrow, or better yet I'll order workout clothes online and when they show up, I'll show up.

I look in the mirror.

Seriously, Marcy! Out of the shoot and you're already finding an excuse?

With that, I grab my plus sized elastic waist sweatpants. Gray and stained. It's all I got. Ugh, added humiliation.

Next, how am I going to hold these girls up? Nothing gets more negative attention at the gym than my chest. last time I lost a lot of weight a friend approached me, "you look GREAT, but you still have those tits!" Um, thanks? Good thing I'm not a jogger! Have ya heard that joke about how Dolly parton got her black eyes? Well, I have no real choices so it looks like it's the one I wore to work. I made sure to put on one of my husbands dark blue fire dept shirts...dark hides a multitude.

Ok, here we go.

Holy crap, the place is packed! I really don't like this. No turning back. Suck it up big girl (no pun intended). Then there it was...it being she...my trainer was there with a client. Haven't seen her in a year. Her smile made me feel at ease and I realized she's watched me yo yo for 4 years! Her smile tells me I can do this.

17 minutes of cardio and I was soaking wet. Wow, I'm so out of shape. Did some muscle work, treadmill cool off & off I go.

I did it.

NOTE TO SELF: don't forget to build your workout playlist so you don't spend so much time song surfing! Talk about a focus killer! Find the arm band too! Fartin' around holding that thing kinda sucked!

Take all of me

Let's just dive in head first. Get out from behind the curtain, take off all my "clothes" and stand before the world "naked".

When I woke up sunday morning I sat on the edge of my bed. Rubbing my eyes, trying to remember where I'm even at & cursing my alarm clock for doing what I told it to do...and there it was.

 

My stomach was touching my thighs.

 

I couldn’t believe it.

 

I've done it again. 

 

287 pounds, the biggest I've ever been.

 

I’ve used food as a coping mechanism for years to deal with tragedy and painful life experiences. A life that built a huge shit sandwich that landed on my plate and I’ve been bound and determined to eat it ever since. There was a time I bit off more than I could chew and bulimia found me.

 

(deep breath) I did it, I'm out from behind the curtain. That was the easy part.

 

As you walk along this journey with me, you'll eventually see all of me. The secret life of Obesity. This is NOT a cry for sympathy. No one feels more sorry for me than I already do. I've hid for years, absent from family pictures, hid in the back of group shots, making up stories to get out of social engagements...hiding.

 

I'm not hiding anymore, hiding behind the fat! Not another day. Not another minute.

 

My life depends on it.